A Book on Friendship

Andrew McCarthy and me at his signing table at the National Kidney Foundation Authors Luncheon.

I had the opportunity on Sunday to volunteer for the National Kidney Foundation’s 37th Annual Authors Luncheon. It’s a wonderful event that I’ve attended in past years, providing a forum to meet and hear from bestselling authors while raising hundreds of thousands of dollars to address kidney disease—a cause close to my heart through my wife, Leslie, and the amazing work she’s been part of at Outset Medical.

This year featured an incredible slate of authors, including Tayari Jones, author of Kin and An American Marriage; Megha Majumdar, author of A Guardian and a Thief and A Burning; Maya Shankar, podcaster and author of The Other Side of Change; and Andrew McCarthy, actor and author of the new book, Who Needs Friends. My role for the day was to assist Andrew McCarthy—from navigating the venue to managing the book signing queue.

I was looking forward to meeting Andrew McCarthy. For anyone my generation, his movies during the 1980s, including Class, St. Elmo's Fire, Pretty in Pink, Less Than Zero and many others, are seminal, culture-defining, nostalgia-inducing films. Beyond acting, McCarthy has also been a prolific producer, writer, and, particularly director, including on Orange Is the New Black, The Blacklist, Gossip Girl, and more.

What I didn’t fully appreciate is McCarthy is also an excellent author. In preparation for the event, I read his early-career memoir, Brat: An '80s Story, a fascinating chronicle of the personal highs and lows of his rise to fame as part of the so-called “Brat Pack.” He is also an accomplished travel writer, having published the travel memoirs, The Longest Way Home and Walking with Sam, about his adventure hiking the Camino de Santiago with his son.

McCarthy’s latest release, Who Needs Friends, which just came out last week with Grand Central Publishing, is a thought-provoking read on the state of modern male friendship. The book combines a cross-country road trip with personal stories of reconnecting with lifelong friends. As he progresses across the country, McCarthy conducts an “unscientific examination” of the state of American male friendships by interviewing people he meets along the way.

For me, and I suspect for most self-aware men, McCarthy’s story hit close to home. As a gender, we men are generally not good at nurturing our friendships, frequently falling out of touch with even our closest friends. We don’t see our current friends as often as we’d like. We don’t form new friendships easily. We don’t rely on our friends for emotional support. And our social circle of friends is shrinking.

Featured authors (L-to-R): Andrew McCarthy, Megha Majumdar, Tayari Jones, and Maya Shankar.

The Survey Center on American Life found that, over the last 30 years, the percentage of men who reported having five or more friends declined dramatically, from 55 percent to 27 percent. While the percentage of men reporting “no close friendships” at all skyrocketed fivefold, from 3 percent to 15 percent over that time. The problem is even more pronounced among men under age thirty, 28 percent of whom report having no close social connections. This loneliness epidemic also presents a growing public health crisis, decreasing lifespans due to everything from mental health issues and cognitive decline, to impaired immune response and increased cardiovascular risk.

Reading this book inspired me to follow McCarthy’s example and proactively reconnect with dear friends of my own with whom I’ve lost touch. It has reminded me that finding time to invest in friendships, both old and new, is of critical importance. And it has me looking ahead and contemplating how I can sustain those friendships as I age. I encourage you (especially if you are a friend of mine!) to give it a read or a listen—McCarthy also narrates the audiobook—and gain renewed appreciation for the importance of friendship in your life.